I like to fix things.
Not so much broken toys.
And I'm not a huge fan of fixing dinner.
But broken hearts, crushed spirits and families in crisis...goodness.
You. Had. Me. At. Broken.
I used to think that God placed on my heart the desire to "fix" things because He actually wanted me to fix them.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
I am just as broken, my spirit just a damaged and my family in just as much crisis as every person I want to help.
A truth that shakes me right down to my core, causes me to question my purpose and continually brings me to my knees.
Right where I need to be.
Because there is no where else.
This has been a learning experience like no other. The opportunity to see the world through completely different eyes means that I have no choice but to see myself through completely different eyes.
Apart from the Lord...I can do nothing.
And for an incredibly selfish girl like me that realization stings.
But through God all things are possible and through Him (and Him alone) I can do all things.
Things that make no sense at all.
Like meeting our first Disabilities Ministry family face to face for the very first time and somehow knowing exactly what to say.
My words were not my own.
Like being called into a classroom to calm a small girl, completely hysterical, who I had never before met and somehow knowing that wiping tears would have caused more pain to that sweet child than falling from a play structure and breaking her tiny leg.
My hands were not my own.
Like being hit, kicked and screamed at; all the while telling one of my most favorite little guys how much Jesus loves him.
My heart is not my own.
Often times we look for opportunities that best reflect our natural abilities and talents. That's definitely not wrong but what if we're missing out on something so much bigger than us? God works in our hearts whether we're in our element or not, but think of how much change could happen in those times when we are most uncomfortable; when there's nothing to cling to but Him.
We are all broken, damaged and in crisis.
We all need Jesus.
I spent the last several years very conflicted. I felt incredibly sure that I was being called into missions; that an orphanage in China or a medical camp in Africa is what God had for me. Unfortunately what my dear husband feels the Lord has for him involves keeping his feet firmly planted on US soil.
Recently it has become abundantly clear to me that God IS calling me onto the mission field. He DOES want me ministering to a group of precious people who desperately need to hear His word. This will require me to learn a new language of sorts, communicate in ways that are completely foreign and have faith when asked to leave the comforts of my own (very small) world.
The precious people that I am committing to love, support and do everything I can to reach for Jesus might have Asperger's; they might have Down Syndrome, Autism, Cerebral Palsy or Sensory Integration Disorders. There is a chance they are in wheel chairs, leg braces and eat (even breathe) through small tubes invading their perfect bodies.
They are all broken, their spirits damaged and their families in crisis.
Just like me.
And I can't fix things for them.
And sometimes that breaks my heart.
But God has shown me that they are perfect just exactly as they are.
He hasn't given me the desire to fix things so that I actually fix them.
He has given me the desire so I'll see that I can't.
And from there I'll come crashing down from the very high pedestal that I too often put myself on.
Right back to my knees where I belong.